An Open Letter to Andrew Lloyd Webber, Joel Schumacher, and anyone else involved with the movie release of "The Phantom of the Opera"

Dear Mr. Webber, Mr. Schumacher, and everybody else:

Why? Why would you destroy a classical theatrical piece in such a manner? Especially you Mr. Webber. You have seen your brilliant musical performed countless times by limitless amounts of talent. Why, when your masterpiece is to be released to the masses, would you be anything but tireless in your efforts to make it the most brilliant performance of this piece to date? Your first mistake was in hiring your casting director. I do not know, nor do I care to know, who you chose to cast this film, because if I knew who it was, I'd have to find them and place a flaming bag of dog crap on their doorstop. Or, I could just take a reel of this film, and set it ablaze on the stoop...I'd say it would register the same response.

The "stars" of this film, and I say that with little quotation marks so that you realize that there was no bright moment in this film aside from the rolling of the credits, were the most wretched singers I've heard in my life. The Phantom spent more time yelling than he did working his upper register, and the female lead barely squeaked half of her notes out...and I do mean squeak because you could literally hear the opening in her throat narrowing and you had to pray that the note would escape before it was too late.

I will admit that I did have an enjoyable time at this film. I laughed more during your film than I did at "Meet the Fokkers." However, I'd have to assume that wasn't the goal of the film. The Phantom's antics with ropes and his cape kept me rolling in my seat. If he did one more dramatic swoop with his cape, I'd have to go buy one for myself. Too bad you're not selling those things. Also, you should really release those waterproof candles to the general public...I'm sure they'd come in handy for something. I'm sure the Phantom is also very excited about spearheading the new trend of personal soundtracks. I know I'm working on mine right now...who doesn't need to have their entrance into a room announced by a few notes? Pair that with a cape and man, you're the height of fashion.

In closing, Mr. Webber, Mr. Schumacher, and everyone else involved with the worst movie ever brought to theatres, I'd like to say, stop. Please. Just stop. The musical film business is really not for you. Try sticking to something that will not involve your ability to hear. Maybe try something that will let you wear a cape. Majorette? Zorro? In any event, good luck to you all.

Sincerely,
Samantha