Conclusion: Occlusion.

I hate the dentist. I hate going to the dentist, I hate being at the dentist, I hate leaving the dentist (because if never fails that I have a follow-up appointment to fill me with dread.) I have always brushed my teeth and all that jazz, and yet I always come back with an ungodly amount of cavities. So I am left to the following conclusions:
1. Dentists are crooks.
2. My toothpaste is made of sugar. Or
3. My teeth are made of cavities.

I had decided that number 1 was the most likely candidate, since every dentist I go to says something different. The first guy that said I only had 4 cavities was very nice, but my parents didn't like him or something. So we went to the next chick, who said the first guy was a crook, she would have to replace his fillings, and then add 11 of her own. At this point I decided that it was impossible for me to get any more cavities since all of my teeth are now 90% shiny metal, so when I moved out, no more dentist.

6 years later, and a considerable amount of prodding by everyone that knows my dental history, and I end up back at the dentist this morning. I went to Dr. Pak who R swears is God's gift to dentistry. He sends everyone there, and everyone is glad they went. Also, I hear his office is really fancypants...so I'm kind of down with that. So, I finally go. My heart is racing. You really don't understand...this is an actual phobia. My teeth are chattering, I really do not want to go in the building, and I am shivering. I go in, sign the paperwork and sit in the waiting room. It's a nice waiting room with fishtanks and leather couches. After about 10 minutes I realize that all that stuff they say about how soothing it is to watch fish? Completely true. I'm sitting in a dentist's office and I can breathe, my teeth aren't chattering, it's great.

They finally call me back..the hygienist is very nice, but she makes it clear that 6 years without a dentist is definitely not okay. She thinks she'll have to spend more than one day on the cleaning because most people who don't come to the dentist in that long are in really bad shape and their gums bleed a lot. She gives me a little test cleaning on a couple teeth before she gets started. She thinks it'll be okay...my teeth seem to look pretty good. Cleaning gets underway. They have a flat-screen tv in the corner and I have the remote. So, Gilmore Girls and lots of tooth scraping. I really don't think dental cleaning is good for your teeth. Surely scraping them with metal is bad for them. And news flash: anyone's gums are going to bleed when you catch them in a metal hook. But whatever. She ends up saying that my teeth look great, especially for that long without a dentist, and boy are my hopes up.

Dr. Pak comes in...sees how long it's been..."Samantha, 6 years?!? Tsk tsk tsk." And the hygienist sticks up for me! "No, her teeth look really good." "Really? Good hygiene?" "Great hygiene." "Wisdom teeth?" "Well, she's been keepin' 'em clean." And I'm sitting there thinking that I am golden. I am home free. Just look in there and I am out. And he looks in my mouth. "Occlusion number 1, occlusion number 13, occlusion..." blah blah blah. I'm no dentist, but I'm fairly certain at this point that occlusion isn't code for "Great looking tooth." Turns out that a bunch of my old huge hideous silver amalgam fillings are cracked. So they need to be replaced. Yay. Also, I should probably have my wisdom teeth out so I don't have to pay to get them filled.

So, in the end, I like my new dentist. He's very professional, he's nice, his favorite city is Chicago...we talked about good places to eat pizza. So I'll go back. Apparently I'll go back 3 times in the next month or so (shoot me now.) And I will think very hard about having my wisdom teeth out. Because I'm having a hard time deciding to pay someone to yank teeth out of my skull and send me home to the care of my parents who will probably argue that tylenol is as effective a painkiller as lortab. That is just not something I'm willing to do.

Stupid teeth.