If You're Going to See "Babel" DON'T READ THIS

Seriously, spoilers galore, don't read this post. I'm basically going to tell you everything about this movie.

S, P, and I went to see "Babel" tonight. You know the preview? Exciting music, Brad Pitt looking angry, some implication that it's like the bible story and people are no longer able to communicate with one another? It looked great and we were pretty stoked to see it. Oh, also, the new Will Smith movie trailer sucked. I have no desire to see a shabby looking Will Smith overcome adversity as a stock broker. None.

So the movie begins in the desert, and a dude sells somebody a gun. And the music is slow and boring, and there are lots of long and lingering shots of landscape. And landscape in the desert consists of rocks. Lots of rocks and sand. About 15 minutes in to this 2.5 hour snoozefest, I realize I've been had. I've been punk'd by Brad Pitt. He has suckered me into watching a movie that will slowly suck my soul from my body. Seriously, the most boring movie ever.

The film basically has 4 plots that are connected (actually, 3 connected and 1 that they threw in and probably came up with a connection for it at the last minute because it's ridiculous.):
1. Moroccan Family: Father, wife, 2 sons, and a daughter. Goatherders...pervert son who's good with a rifle...daughter who thinks it's cool to strip for her brother...and son who is an irritating whiny tattletale. Pervert son accidentally shoots American tourist.
2. American Tourists: Brad Pitt and wife Cate Blanchett...this was probably the most exciting plot simply because someone gets shot. About 30 minutes in, I began wishing someone else would be shot. About an hour in, I began wishing that someone would be me.
3. Kids With Mexican Nanny: These are actually Brad and Cate's kids that were left at home, but they have their own crazy subplot that involves a trip to Mexico and Gael Garcia Bernal. Sadly, the best thing about this subplot is the part where a guy rips the head off a chicken. The worst part is that the daughter is the sister of Dakota Fanning. And man do I hate that kid.
4. Deaf/Mute Japanese Chick: Holy crap this was the weirdest plot. Basically the plot is, the chick is horny. That's it. I started hoping someone would take care of that for her because I really didn't want to have to see her naked again. And I mean naked. It's the second movie in a week that I've seen full-frontal nudity in. Did some rule change? I don't remember ever seeing full frontal before now. And quite honestly, I could do without it. They don't seem to be doing it with anyone remotely attractive. Blech. And this plot's connection with the rest of the film is that her father gave the rifle used in the shooting to the guy that sold the gun to the family in the first place. Know why her Japanese father gave some Moroccan dude a gun? Moroccan guy was his guide on a hunting trip. What the hell were they hunting in that desert?!? Goats?!? They were really reaching with that one. So stupid.

I think the best way I could describe it is this:
Seeing "Babel" is like being punched in the face. For two and a half hours straight.

So save your money. So then you can see "Happy Feet" twice next week. Laters! :)