Very Superstitious

So it is Christmas weekend. And it doesn't feel like it to me in the slightest. Most likely because rather than sitting at my parents' house with my sisters, I am sitting in my apartment with a set of those dancing penguins from the Hallmark store. Sure they're cute, but it's just not the same. I was hoping that this weekend would be quiet. I was hoping that, if I had to be away from home, I could spend the time eating frozen cookies and enjoying a marathon of the following:

• "A Muppet Christmas Carol"- Greatest adaptation of the Dickens classic. EVER. The music, Gonzo, Rizzo, Michael Caine. You can't beat it. Seriously.
• "White Christmas"- Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye. There's singing, there's dancing. And really that should be enough. Also, they wear pretty dresses and shoes. I would kill to be able to dance in 3 inch stilletos.
• "Love Actually"- Cause I'm a sappy romantic girl and from the moment Kiera Knightley gets married in her ugly feathered wedding sweater (I'm sorry, that whole phrase is redundant) to when the shy porn stand-ins find true love, I'm sold. Also, Hugh Grant is great in this movie, as is Bill Nighy. Woo British actors!
• "Jack Frost"- Yes. It's a movie where a Dad is reincarnated as a snowman. Shut up. It is a great movie, very Christmasy, I don't see many snowmen where I live, and after "Multiplicity", I have a very hard time believing that Michael Keaton can do anything wrong. (Although he totally can..."My Life" anybody? Good gravy that is the most depressing movie of all time.) Also, factoid: I have the soundtrack to this movie. Such is my love.

In order to prevent the absolute avalanche of work, I usually have a ritual. Basically, weekends that I'm on call mean that I am sitting on my couch, watching TV, and praying that my beeper doesn't go off. The prevention of beeping is a finely tuned art form. Some people just stay awake all night so they won't be awakened by their pager (these people are stupid because dude, if you don't get paged, you stayed up all night. Sucker.) Some people don't make plans to go out. Here is the rundown of my pager-prevention rituals.

1. Anytime asks me if anything's going on, I reply "Not yet." As if to let fate know, I'm ready. I don't care if you page me. Go ahead. Doesn't bother me. See, fate doesn't like that. It likes to catch you when you're all comfortable and steeped in flannel pajama goodness. Which leads to point 2.
2. I wear scrubs at all times. If I'm on Friday call, I am at the office in scrubs all day. When I walk in the door to my apartment, I usually change clothes. Not so on call days. I stay in these scrubs. And repeat to myself, "I'm probably leaving in a few minutes anyway." This weekend it means that I have been wearing the same outfit for approximately 25 hours. So far.
3. Also, don't climb in bed. That's the worst idea ever. I usually camp out on my couch. Blanket, pager, cell phone, laptop, and TV with captions on. Sure it's not that comfortable. Sure I think one side of my couch is starting to sag from the amount of time I spend parked on it/sleeping on it. But that's what it's there for, right?

So far this weekend, the rituals have not paid off. I think it was probably all for naught when Tom called me and said "You haven't had any pages? That's awesome!" Way to jinx it, buddy. :-p So, we've got two cases. My hair is sticking up in strange ways. And I could pass out at any second due to sleep deprivation. Welcome to my Christmas nightmare. :-p

My My My My My Boogie Shoes

I decided that I needed to take measures to ensure that I would not end up getting drunk enough to mug the DJ for his microphone last night at the office Christmas party. So, I decided to see if my neighbor/coworker S wanted to ride to the party with me. Being a designated driver would certainly work to curb my thirst. And aid my behavior. Well...half of that's right anyway.

The night started out pretty sedate. No one was dancing, the music was too loud, and people were mingling. Rather than a 400 year old DJ a la last year, we had a 55 year old one that closely resembled the dancing guy from the Six Flags commercials. The turnout was about twice what it was last year, and this time all my favorite people were there. Which would later be my demise. As usual, I'm too lazy to actually string together a narrative, so let's just skip to the bullets.

• My favorite surgical fellow came up to me early in the evening and asked who the big dancers were going to be. Little did he know, he was talking to one. Toward the end of the night, he came back up to me. "Hey Sam, I'm leaving. I just wanted you to know that I'll never be able to look at you the same way again." Score.
• Okay, I have to tell you a slightly old story so that you'll understand this one. About a month ago, I was in an OR with Dr. E and that surgical fellow. I was scrubbed in retracting the liver for them when it all of a sudden became very obvious to me that I was going to pass out. I immediately broke scrub and made it to the doctors lounge before losing consciousness. I ended up having someone get me some food and juice and eventually was well enough to go back to work in the OR. Here's a tip: Don't forget to eat. Also, probably don't lock your knees. Anyway, that surgery took place during an early morning. So, on the way out of the hospital, Dr. E asked me how long I'd had this morning sickness. Blah blah blah pregnancy jokes. I think his goal is to get this rumor to somehow circle back to my mother and give her a heart attack. So, last night, in front of my boss he walks right up to me and puts his hand on my stomach. "Sam, you're not even showing." Here's another tip: don't call a surgeon/your organization's medical director a "punkface." Also, don't try to make him do the cha cha slide.
• I spent the majority of the night dancing. Because that is what I do. Apparently alcohol doesn't really make much of a difference on that front. Because I only had 2 drinks all night, and still was getting down. Seriously.
• When not dancing, I spent most of my time trying to get a certain picture taken. You see, my boss has an intraoffice romance. He's dating a chick in the office that dresses like everyday is Halloween. And her costume is typically "gypsy." Except ironically enough on Halloween when she dressed like a chick from "Grease." Whatever. She went to the Tammy Faye Baker school of cosmetology, and styles her hair every morning by sticking her finger in a socket. Also, she has the IQ of a potato. She drives me crazy. And then about a week ago, she walked into the office. And her hair had gotten about a foot longer. And half of it had changed colors. Apparently someone discovered the fake hair kiosk at the Galleria. And someone thought their dirty blonde hair was actually red. Everytime she walks in, I can't stop laughing. She looks like a fox bit her on the head and died there. So, I've been trying to find an excuse to take a picture of her. We all have those Treo cameras, but since she's only worn the ponytail sporadically, she'll probably figure out that's why we want the picture. And you don't want to be mean to the boss's girlfriend. So last night I was on a mission. I was going to get a picture of the elusive fake ponytail. And I succeeded. It was great. S got in the picture with her....absolutely hilarious. My friend with the camera has to email me the shots...I'm debating posting it here. We'll see how it turns out...it might be too good not to post.
• Because I was driving, I wasn't really affected by the bartender. But there were some serious complaints. The party was open bar...and at my organization, people take full advantage. People get t-r-a-s-h-e-d. Last time we had a party, I was in charge of bringing the receipt to my boss the next day. "Who ordered 32 kamikazes?!" That level of alcoholism rages in my workplace. Which is always fun. So last night, my friend Liz arrived late and so was waaay behind everyone else on the drinking. I was close to the bar, so she asked me to grab her a vodka tonic from across the room. The bartender saw her mouth the request and mouthed back at her that she'd have to drink a glass of water. She told me she'd only had two drinks, and she didn't want water. So I relayed this to the bartender. "Don't care. It's water or nothing." The bartender started making everyone drink water before giving them another glass of alcohol. The theory was that since it was open bar on the company, no one brought cash, and thus no one was tipping the bartender. And he was getting us back. Regardless, one of my friends said he couldn't dance cause he had so much water sloshing around in his belly. Stupid bartender. :-p
• Because I wasn't drunk, I was ready to go about an hour before S. But I stuck around cause he was dancing up a storm. A little factoid about S: he has some issues...like serious issues. Anxiety issues, sexual orientation issues, anger issues...but i love him. However, these issues lead to him getting a DUI last year. And resulted in a parole officer and a visceral hatred for policemen. Not because of the DUI thing, but because of the parole thing. Which I can kind of understand. He goes to meet the parole officer once a month at the same time as a rapist, a multiple-convicted drug dealer, and a murderer. Seriously. I don't know why these people aren't in jail. Whatever. So, I'm driving us home last night and he is drunk. And I am not. But I have had a couple drinks over several hours. And of course, we happen into a roadblock. License check. My neighbor is f-reaking out. I dont know the terms of his parole, but he makes it seem like maybe he shouldn't even be drunk in the passenger seat. We pull up to the officer, he gets my license and calls it in, and says "Ma'am, have you been drinking tonight?" "No sir." "Sir, have you been drinking tonight?" "No sir." *sweat dripping off his forehead* "Ma'am, you're sure you haven't been drinking?" "Yes officer." And then they call back with my license check "Negative for any activity." "Ya'll have a nice evening." Oh thank God. I'm sure I would've passed a breathalyzer, I certainly hadn't had much alcohol, and definitely did not feel any effects of any. But as soon as we were a block away, my neighbor started screaming. "OH MY GOD I AM NEVER DRIVING ON THIS ROAD AGAIN SAMANTHA YOU HAVE NO IDEA!" Again, I don't know the terms of his parole, but something along the lines of 90 days in jail was mentioned. Here's another tip: don't drink and drive. And really, for the sake of not getting heartburn, it's probably easiest to just not drink anything at all even when you're not driving for a while. What a way to cap off the night.

So that was this year's office Christmas party. We had a few people that thought they were Mario Lopez...we had a woman that was dressed like Michael Jackson going to court...and we had the head of our education department discover that the answer to "how low can you go?" was falling down on her ass. No air guitar, but still a lot of fun. I'll probably post the pics when I get them. Laters :)

Tales from the OR

I wasn't supposed to be on call yesterday, but I switched with one of my coworkers and agreed to cover for him from 8AM-5PM. I figured I'd be at work anyway, might as well be doing something. WRONG. All hell broke loose yesterday...worked non-stop...it sucked. Then, we set up a run for 5:15 PM. So, I called my coworker who was supposed to take over at 5 to tell him to meet at the lab at 5:15. "Oh, I'm sorry Sam. I can't make it." That's right. Totally screwed. I didn't get home until after 1 AM. But at least I was entertained.

• I went to assist in a surgery in another state. I go into the OR to set up our table, and start opening supplies. The scrub tech would take them and put them on the table for me. Rob was about a 6'1 tall white guy. "Hi, I'm Samantha. I'll be assisting the surgeons from Alabama." "Yo, I'm Rob. Just tell me what to do." And that was how I met Snoop Dogg's caucasian surgical tech counterpart. The doctor would ask for a 2.0 silk tie, Rob would say "Fo shizzle." I kid you not. Our surgeons just kept looking at each other...one of them had to walk away from the table for a minute so the guy wouldn't catch him laughing. Our eyes were watering from trying not to laugh at this guy. It was hilarious.
• Bad sign: When you're holding a liver, and a cardiothoracic surgeon looks at it and says, "What's that? The heart?"
• How to tell you go out too much: A surgeon from Florida is talking to me because he trained for a time with Dr. ACP. And he keeps looking at me. "You look very familiar...I think I know you from somewhere." "Well, maybe we've done a case together before." "Hmm...maybe." Then about 10 minutes later, he yells from across the room. "I remember! I have seen you at the Bellbottoms! You were dancing!" Someone from Florida remembers seeing me at Bellbottoms. That's not good.
• On the way back to the airport, we were driven by an EMS had the country music blaring. One of the surgeons starts telling me that it could be worse. He had a friend that was a doctor, married, 2 kids, and always drove around playing Barry White. Non-stop. The surgeon was telling me that he and a friend were stuck in the backseat of that guy's Barry White-mobile one night. "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Baby" comes on, and the surgeon's friend looks over at him. "So, uh...you wanna make out?" hehehe.
• We finally make it back to Birmingham, and as our plane comes in for a landing the pilots hit the brakes pretty heavily. None of us knew why we landed on the short runway. As we were getting out of the plane, one of my surgeons asked the pilot. "Oh, the tower was shut down on account of methane gas...so we had to land wherever and now we gotta take right back off." Comforting to thing there was no one telling them where to land. Lovely. Next time maybe lay off the Taco Bell, air tower guys.

Tonight's the office Christmas party. Last year one of our lab guys got drunk and played air guitar all alone in the middle of the dance floor. Of course, I didn't exactly behave myself last year either. I'm sure I'll have stories tomorrow...or a drunk post tonight. :) Laters!

Weekend Recap

Where to start on last weekend. I have two weekends off in a row this month, since I have to work Christmas. And since I'll be home for neither Christmas nor New Year's, I visited my family last weekend, and will be going home again this weekend. So woo more stories of insanity! As it stands, let's go over what happened last weekend.

The Tree

My mother is from Alabama, and my father is from Iowa. Meaning my Dad's used to going to the tree farm and buying a fir or whatever normal Christmas trees look like. My Mom's used to going out in the pasture and finding a cedar tree that vaguely resembles a Christmas tree. We usually side with Dad on this one. Cedar's are usually irregular and they're really spikey and painful when you try to put ornaments on them...so we hate them. But Mom loves them...cause she thinks they smell good, and they remind her of her childhood, and perhaps most importantly, they're free. So this year, Mom wanted a cedar. Dad decided to go out in the backyard while Mom was out, and cut down a tree. He cut down an absolutely hideous one. Bald, waaay too tall for the room, and bald. He did this in the hopes that Mom would see it, say it didn't look good, and agree to get a store-bought non-mutant tree.

But that backfired. Mom and I are sawing a couple feet off the bottom of the tree in the hopes of getting it to fit in the house. I'm telling her how ugly the tree is. "Samantha, your father did this on purpose so we'd have to buy a tree. I know this one looks awful. We're keeping it." And thus was born the Principle Tree. Sure, it's hideous, but its the principle of the matter. She kept telling my father how much she loved it. Even when it fell down twice. Even when everyone pointed out that the bottom four feet of the tree were totally devoid of vegetation. Mom picked up branches we'd cut off at the bottom and stuffed them into the treestand.

So now we have a tree that is way too tall, and way too bald. Decorated to the hilt. And McGyvered to the ceiling in the hopes that it won't fall down (again) and kill anyone. Complete with the traditional Christmas germ. Enjoy the rest of the pictures here.

Bumper Cars

Saturday my father and I went to my great aunt Jonnie's house to clean up the leaves in her yard. While we were gone, my Mom and sister were going to go to some tour of homes in town and the rest of the girls were going to hang out at home. We'd done about a third of the yard, when Bear called from home.

"Hey, has Mom called you?"

"No, why?"

"Umm...don't tell her I told you."

"Okay, what happened?"

"She got into an accident."

"Where? Is she okay?"

"She's fine...and she's in the driveway."

"Where was the accident?"

"In the driveway."

"Huh??"

"Mom backed the Tahoe into the Honda."

"Niiiice."

So, my mother has now damaged every car they own. She backed the van into one of the concrete pylon thingies that stop you from hitting the pump at the gas station. And now she's backed the Tahoe into the back of her Civic. Dented the Tahoe and broke the taillight out of the Civic. Dad was thrilled. "Tell her insurance doesn't cover you hitting your own car!"

My favorite part was when we actually reached my mother.

"Hey Mom, playing bumper cars in the driveway?"

"Shut up Samantha."

"Why did you back up? We have a circular driveway! Why didn't you just pull forward?!?"

"I always back up."

Apparently my mother only has one direction when disengaging from park. Way to go.

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So, to sum up, we had a blast...the bootleg tree is set up and decorated...and now there isn't a single vehicle Bear can drive that Mom hasn't rammed into something. hehehe. Going home again Friday...good times :)

Voicemail

"Hey Samantha....it's Bear....just calling to make sure you're coming home toniiight. We're going to decorate the Christmas tree. And some of us might become Christmas trees. And funny things....and weird things....will probably happen. Also, there might be reindeer. I'm off work at 6. You'd better be home. Or I'm going to hurt you. And you know I will."

She's violent.

Also, she makes a pretty good Christmas tree.






















Oh, and Nativity Scene pics here for any interested parties. :)