This Little Piggie

Ate a busload of kids?

Seriously. Apparently this thing was running around in the woods in Alabama. My parents' house is surrounded by woods. I went hunting with my father once and he told me that we had to watch for wild boars. I had NO idea that this is what he was talking about.

Because I would never have set foot outside the house again.

Stop. Hammertime.

From the Decatur Daily News:

"Armed with pepper spray and a hammer, a man allegedly sprayed a female employee Thursday afternoon during the robbery of a local pawn shop.

The investigator said the man entered A-1 Title Pawn on U.S. 72 at 3:38 p.m.

"He sprayed the employee and demanded money. She screamed and ran next door."
The investigator said the man then allegedly grabbed an undisclosed amount of money and "took off running." The employee received medical treatment at the scene.
Witnesses gave police a description of the man, which helped patrol officers locate him within 15 minutes.

Police transferred the man to the Limestone County Jail on $35,000 bond. He is charged with first-degree robbery. "

And later the local CBS affiliate shared with us his further exploits:

"Athens police have arrested a 25-year old Huntsville man who is accused of bribing the woman he robbed and pepper sprayed in June.
Investigators say the man telephoned his victim and offered to put money in her bank account if she would not prosecute.
The man tells a different story, saying he wanted to give her the money for a security system at her business.
He is charged with bribery."

I guess he wanted to buy her a security system so that he wouldn't be tempted to rob her at hammer-point again?

It's stuff like this that makes me really glad I broke up with him.

Fond Memories

Tonight was my downstairs neighbor/coworker/friend's birthday. So, C and he and I went out for dinner and drinks.

Scene: Sitting on the restaurant patio. A man walks out onto the patio and sits at a table behind me, but still in plain view of C and S.
C: "That's him! That's the lawyer who I had a big crush on and sent you a link to his picture and you said he was ugly!"
Me: "Oooh. Yeah, that dude is hideous."
S: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "C has a crush on that big ugly dude over there."
C: "His wife used to work with you guys."
Me: "Really? Who?"
C: "You're the one that told me she worked there!!"
Me: "I have no idea who you're talking about."
S: "What's her last name?"
C: "B******"
S: "Oooh, yeah, I remember Jen B****. She was the one in the lesbian tryst!"
C: "HUH??! Samantha why didn't you tell me about this?!?"
Me: "I didn't tell you about that? Wow. Yeah, that's a good story."
S: "So, Jen was married, but she also thought she might be a lesbian. And we had this other chick in the office, K, who definitely was a lesbian. So, she and Jen had a little one night stand, but then Jen decided she didn't want to do that anymore so she kind of broke up with K the next day at work."
C: "I can't believe you didn't tell me this."
Me: "I forgot. Sorry."
S: "K was crazy, and did not take it well. In fact, she reached out and started choking Jen. Jen starts waving her arms trying to get anyone to help her. She finally breaks free of K and starts running toward [our boss's] office. But, K tackles her and hangs on to her legs. At this point, Jen is screaming our boss's name, dragging K along the floor going to the boss's office."
C: "Why aren't you guys helping her?!?"
S: "Are you kidding? By this point we were all sitting around eating popcorn! Who's gonna break up something *this* good? So, the boss finally comes out of his office and when he does, K runs back to her office, locks the door, and takes a massive dose of painkillers. We had to get the fire department and ambulance to come get her and take her to the hospital. She was fine, but we also had to hire a bodyguard for Jen for about a month because K had sent her threatening letters."
C: "Nice."
S: "The weird thing is, I thought Jen's husband was a nurse."
C: "No, he's a lawyer, but they're divorced."
S: "No, Jen's still married. We must not be talking about the same person. Are you sure about the last name?"
C: "No, but Samantha said she worked with you guys. Remember Samantha? You said she sucked at her job and everybody hated her?"
Me: "Oh! You mean Stephanie P****!"
C: "Yes! That's her name!"
S: "Oh. That's not a good story. She was just ugly."

The Bermuda Triangle

So, I haven't posted a lot lately because much like Adina, I've been busy. Busy with life and busy with attempts at making life-changes. I haven't really wanted to write about anything, because in the past I've gotten really excited about big changes, and then they haven't worked out. And then everyone who knew would ask me what happened and I'd have to explain over and over again why I was not currently practicing medicine, living in New York, or training helper monkeys. Pretty much taking inventory of my broken dreams. I've stayed in Alabama, I'm working in a job I enjoy but with crazy management and little chance at advancement any time in the near future, and I don't currently own any monkeys. Also, my boyfriend lives 3,000 miles away. The situation is *not* ideal.

But I have been working to rectify that.

When I first got out of graduate school, I applied for tons of jobs for which I was not qualified in a desperate attempt to flee the state that holds people in its clutches until they die or all their teeth fall out. Whichever comes first. Alabama has never been very high on my list of places to live. Granted, I live in Birmingham, and it's really not terrible. There are lots of intelligent, well-meaning people here...it just seems as though nothing much ever changes. Sure, newer Wal-Marts crop up now and again, but other breakthroughs are few and far between. I do a job that I love in a place that sets the benchmark for how poorly said job can be accomplished in the nation. And I have the best friends I can imagine ever having...and I will miss them terribly.

Because I'm moving on. Today I accepted a new job. This new job entails doing only the parts of the job that I truly love, and none of the crap that I hate. I will not be zipping around in rocket-propelled paper towel tubes in the middle of the night. I will not be sitting in an office all day doing nothing. I will not be wasting my talents spending my day playing the "see if you can get a coworker to stare at someone's broke-over ass by pointing at it and saying hey is that yours?" game. (Btw, I totally suck at that game.) Instead I will be doing clinical management. I will be writing research papers that will hopefully be published in clinical journals. I will be taking call from home. I will be working with an organization that leads the nation in my field. And I will be doing a ton less work for a ton more money.

I will also be living within a 50 mile radius of my boyfriend. Because my new job is in Boston. I've already gone apartment hunting, and have hopefully found a place (assuming said place wasn't rented in the 3 weeks it's taken for me to get this job solidified.) I cannot describe to you how I feel about this. I will be living in Boston. An honest-to-God city. With people. And little blue penguins. And mass transit. And itty bitty expensive apartments (wtf Boston?) And baseball. Lots of baseball. :)

I've been waiting for this for a really long time. And now that it's happened, it's incredibly surreal. I can't imagine not living in Alabama. I can't imagine not being able to hop in the car and go hang out with my family. I can't imagine not being around for the next crazy-ass thing that C does and not having P come and fall asleep at my apartment after her exams. I'm going to miss the terrible food at El Cazador with R and S (although I'll miss the margaritas more.) And I really will have to pinch myself when seeing Tom doesn't include changing planes in Baltimore. But I'm excited to have my friends visit. I'm excited that I'll be able to be the reason that my sisters hop on an airplane for the first time in a decade (and for Jo, the first time ever.) Most of all, I'm excited to start a path in my life that isn't a compromise. That isn't short-term. That isn't just something I'm doing until something better happens.

I'm starting fresh. I'm going new places. I'm meeting new people. Oh, and in my new job I will occasionally have to traverse the Bermuda Triangle. (No joke.)

Welcome to my new life. It's going to kick ass.

The Moral of the Story Is....

Today at work I had to sit through a presentation about disease transmission. Topics covered included high risk behavior and its effect on transmission rates of various diseases, how to physically assess a patient for communicable disease, and how to identify various gang tattoos. My job is complicated.

So, for your education, a highlight of the presentation.

Estimated Per-Act Relative Risk for an Individual without HIV to acquire HIV, Based on Risk-Act and Condom Use:

Sex Act/ Relative Risk of Acquiring HIV

Insertive Fellatio (giver) = 1

Receptive Fellatio (receiver) = 2

Insertive Vaginal Sex (giver) = 10

Receptive Vaginal Sex (receiver) = 20

Insertive Anal Sex (giver) = 13

Receptive Anal Sex (receiver) = 100

--------------------------------------------------------

Condom Use:

Yes = 1

No = 20

The risks are almost double for the receptive partner than that of the insertive.

Finally a study proving once and for all that 'tis better to give, than to receive.