Sink or Swim

I'm coming off of training this week. Friday is my first day as a real-life coordinator...unsupervised...in charge...oh-so-responsible for my own mistakes. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm going to be great and they're not worried about me at all.

-Last week I told my surgeon that a 4'8" 17 year old was just short. He was, in fact, a dwarf.

-Last night I called my doc and asked him if he wanted a lung with emphysema. He asked me if I wanted him to transplant the donor.

-Today I wrote down that a 5-month-old was 11 centimeters tall. That was actually the size of his endotracheal tube.

I'm worried.

In the Car

I took a little trip into the country today with C and our friends R and S who are a couple.

R: "I want to take a karate class. That way I'll be able to karate chop people on their pressure points. I'll be dangerous!"
S: "Mmhmmm."
R: "You better watch out! These hands are registered weapons!"
S: rolling eyes "Those hands are registered sex offenders."

A Grand Day Off

It was 80 degrees outside yesterday....gorgeous. And I had the day off. So, I slept until about 2:30 in the afternoon (a great start to any day) and was ready for the day about 4 PM. C and I decided to go to dinner. We went to this local restaurant that is very popular with the homosexual crowd. So, when we got a hot waiter, we weren't really sure about his sexual orientation. But, it didn't matter. He was pretty. Everytime he'd come around Carolyn would stop talking and just stare. At one point he dropped off the checks and said "Here you go sweetie" to her. Aaaand that was it. C was totally disoriented. Disoriented enough to leave her keys in the booth when we left. (Or was it all a clever ruse to go back and gawk at the waiter? Oooh...twisty.)

So, we decide to go get a drink. Yes, I know, not supposed to drink on call. But, I called the guy I was working with last night and he was going to take all my calls anyway. So woo drinks! We went to this local place that has a patio because for the love of mike it was 80 degrees outside yesterday. So nice. Had a Guinness, called R and S to come over and drink with us. They joined us and said they could only stay for one round because they had to meet K and G over at Silvertron for dinner at 6:30. (Yes, I started drinking at 5 PM yesterday.) So, at the mention of Silvertron, we had to launch into a discussion of Ben, the hot waiter. R and S were excited at the prospect of seeing him and invited us to join them. We decided that since a. C had probably left her keys there b. all our friends were going c. they have a full bar and d. the waiter might still be there, we would go.

So, we went back to Silvertron. Met up with everybody, had some more drinks, C and I split a Bailey's Brownie and the waiter was still there. C turned her chair so that she could unabashedly stare at the boy. Our dinner companions all assured us that the waiter was gay, but that didn't deter C (who also thought he was gay.) He caught her staring several times and smiled at her. Still, she did not turn away. It was hilarious. So, good times had by all, time to go. We're walking out the door. R and S went first, then C and I, with K and G bringing up the rear. As we're walking to the door, C noticed that the hot waiter is right next to her waiting a table. Like, she could reach out and touch him. And she turns her head as she walks. I mean, it turns so far behind her it's like she's having a moment out of The Exorcist. She's staring. And walks right into the door. Straight up walks into the door. I, a little tinnyy bit buzzed, laugh. Loudly. People in Tokyo are wondering what the hell was so funny. So of course, hot waiter and the rest of the restaurant turn and look. Poor C. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time.

Then I came home, decided I wasn't done drinking. So I kept drinking. And I called a couple people...including my parents. So, um, if I called and rambled at you last night, sorry. :-p

Which brings us to this morning. I don't feel well. I think I normally sleep through this part of a hangover. I'm guessing this is why adults don't drink on weeknights. I have to go to work in ten minutes and I am so nauseated. Stupid job.

Jane Doe

A woman is brought into the emergency room.

Nurse: "What's the story?"
EMT: "Jane Doe, attempted murder-suicide."
Nurse: "Wow, what happened?"
EMT: "Woman murdered the other victim then shot herself in the head. Unfortunately she somehow failed to kill herself. Just blew out part of her brain."
Nurse: "Holy crap. How's the other victim?"
EMT: "Um. They're murdered."
Nurse: "Oh yeah. So she shot them?"
EMT: "Well, she took the other victim, strangled him, then wrapped him in a towel, held him in her arms and shot herself."
Nurse: "Oh my god. Was it her child?"
EMT: "I have the report right here...you can just read it."
Nurse: "Okay."

EMT REPORT: Arrived on scene to find victims lying in bed. Female with GSW to head, second victim with lack of breath sounds. Victim one, Jane Doe, taken to emergency room. Victim two, Kitty Cat Doe, referred to vet med.

Nurse: laughing "You guys are twisted."
EMT: "Dude, I'm not the one that strangled my cat."

Maybe she wanted him to come with her. Who knows?

She Wore an Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny...well, you know the rest.

So there's a new girl in the office. She's a very outgoing, friendly, funny girl. Right off the bat I liked her. Not "hey, we should go out for drinks and hang out" kind of liking her, more "she's probably going to stir some stuff up...which might entertain me and make the day go faster" kind of liking. Because you see, when I'm not working my butt off all hours of the night, I'm sitting on my duff in the office killing time. Bored out of my socks. And with certain people's lame-o-corporate policies, I am even more bored than usual.

So, new girl. Initially liked her. Moving past that. Not to the point of hating her or anything, just kind of starting to think that she's not that friendly, and kind of not that funny either. She's more....what's a good way to describe it....hmmm...oh yeah. Irritating. See, new girl thinks that she is hot stuff. Literally. Her license plate says "I'm Red Hot." Well, not like that, there isn't space. But she's used some stupid combination of letters to get that message across. She wears 420 pounds of makeup everyday and pretty revealing, tight-fitting clothing. She does this because she is formerly chunky. Apparently Formerly Chunky Girl (FCG) used to weigh over 300 pounds. And she lost about 180 pounds. She says she did it without the benefit of surgery. Hard to believe, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, so good for her.

The reason that I know about her weight loss is that she tells everyone. Fine. It's a great accomplishment...I probably wouldn't go telling everyone, but I can see why someone would. So about a week in, she comes around telling her story to anyone who'll listen, stand still long enough, or is taking in oxygen in her vicinity. FCG likes to talk. And her favorite topic is herself. So she walks up to a group of the guys that I work with. And she has a stack of pictures in her hands.

FCG: "Hey guys! Have you seen my before and after photos?"
Guys who are staring at her (fake) breasts: "No. Are those them?"
FCG: "Sure are. Take a look!"
Guys: "Holy crap girl! You've lost a lot of weight."
FCG: "Yeah. I look a little better now huh?" (fishing for compliment.)
Guys: "Hey! Who's this hottie in the picture?" (knowing good and damn well it's FCG.)
FCG: "Who?!?"
Guys: "This girl in the bikini."
FCG: putting hands on face in a forced expression of shock "Oh! How did that get in there?!?"
Guys: "We don't know, but we're glad it did!"
FCG: with a coy smile "You weren't supposed to see that one." (Suuuuure buddy.)

The thing is, the main room in our office is this soundproof room with glass windows all around. So we have an unobstructed view of the entire office. Meaning I had an unobstructed view of FCG take the same stack of pictures around to everyone else's desks and make the same shocked expression each of the other 3 times the bikini picture was discovered. Jackass.

I don't care if you want to hit on all the guys in the office. Go for it. But could you do it somewhere else? Like, in your office..with the door closed? Or outside...in a bar? Cause when you walk out of the soundproof room they all look at each other and talk about how desperate you obviously are. And it makes me feel a little bit bad for you. And that's not entertaining for me. It's just cringe-inducing.

Not unlike pictures of you in a bikini.

From the Supermarket

3 dollars in quarters (for laundry)
pack of gum
grape jelly

Pa-thetic.

If...

you love someone...anyone.
your life is worth living...even a little bit.
you have a mother or father that loves you.
you are a parent.
you are a big brother/sister.
you are a little brother/sister.
you have dreams.
you have the potential to do anything worthwhile with your life (and everyone does.)

Buckle your seatbelt.

I know it sounds like a bad PSA, but I deal with the aftermath. And it's not good..and it's not fair...and it's not worth it.

For Want of a Sandwich

Last night Richard and I went to dinner. We started our odyssey at the Crestwood Tavern. I'd never been there but Richard said they had pretty good sandwiches and we could get a beer. So woo! We get there, order our drinks, and ask for the menu. There aren't many options, but the sandwiches look pretty good. Your options are: ham sandwich, chicken salad sandwich, chicken salad plate, tuna salad sandwich, tuna salad plate, or pimento cheese salad sandwich (don't ask me what this is...I haven't the slightest.) We're poised to order...Richard wanted the chicken salad and I was going to have the tuna salad sandwich.

Richard: "I think we're ready to order."

Bartender: "Before you do that, let me just tell ya, we're out of salad."

Richard: "Which one?"

Bartender: "Anything that contains the word "salad" is gone."

Samantha: "So basically the whole menu?"

Bartender: "Pretty much. We ran out yesterday."

Richard: "In that case, we're going to need a couple more minutes."

Bartender wanders off

How the hell do you run out of 3/4 of the menu the day before and not replace it? Also, it's chicken/tuna salad. How hard is it to whip up a bunch of that daily? When I'm too lazy to cook anything, tuna salad is what I make. Open a can, toss in a spoonful of relish, and a couple tablespoons of mayo. Not difficult people. Riiiidiculous. So we finished our beer and got back on the road. There was a coffee shop/cafe thing in the same shopping center that had pretty good paninis. So, we wander over there.

Coffee Shop Dude (who by the way, looked like he had just come into work from his day job of slaughtering chickens to please Satan): "What'll ya have?"
Samantha: "I'll have the tomato mozzarella sandwich."
CSD: "We don't have sandwiches."
Samantha: "You just had sandwiches a couple weeks ago! Did you run out yesterday?!?"
CSD: "No, we stopped serving them. Now we're just coffee and beer. We have muffins."
Samantha: "Dude...I am so much hungrier than a muffin."
CSD: "Umm...there's a Subway next door."
Samantha: "Fine."

So, we went to Subway.

Richard: "I'll have the..."
Subway girl: "Before you start, let me tell you what I don't have."
Richard: "My God, were the supply lines cut?!? Where's all the food??!?"
Subway girl laughing
Richard: "No, seriously. Please, just tell me what you do have."
Samantha: "And it had better contain the word "salad"."
Subway girl: "We're just out of the parmesan-oregano bread."
Richard: "Damnit! That's what I wanted!!!"
Subway girl looks afraid
Richard: "I'm just shittin' ya girl."

So, we got our sandwiches, kicked it on back to the coffee shop and had beer and watched the Colbert Report. About halfway through our sandwiches the CSD starts closing. While we're sipping our beers, the guy comes over.

CSD: "Hey guys, no rush but we're closing."
Samantha: "Dude...neither of us have cable. It's gonna be a minute."

3 different places to get a damn Subway sandwich and a beer that Richard had in his fridge at home. Oh well. At least we got to watch a little cable :)

Attention Inmates

Everyone in the complex had a note on their doors upon arrival home yesterday. The content of the letters follows:

Dear Residents,

On Friday, March 3, repairs are going to be made which will make it necessary to turn off the water to the entire apartment community for the day. We hope that this will not be a major inconvenience for you because of the advance notice.

Sincerely,
Jackass Landlord

Great. I guess I'm going to go stand under some running water...since apparently that will be an impossible feat tomorrow.