Reason #453

Not to date Angelina Jolie: She will do bad things to your hair. Or at least let you do them to yourself...which honestly, isn't letting someone wander around looking like that just as bad?

A Veggie-Tale

Today I went to lunch with a friend at a local barbeque place. Okay, I know, that's my first hint that vegetables are not their specialty. Nevertheless. The only vegetarian option on the menu (aside from their plain house salad) is the 4 vegetable plate. Woo! Yay vegetables. So I take a look at my choices.

Mashed Potatoes
French Fries
Potato Salad
Baked Beans
Stewed Cabbage
Stewed Okra and Tomatoes
Cole Slaw
Macaroni and Cheese
Collard Greens

Is it just me, or is that list completely devoid of nutritional value? The only things even remotely green are the collard greens and cole slaw...and the vitamins have been leached from the greens by the pressure cooker and cole slaw has mayonnaise as a primary ingredient. So, I chose whatever sounded appealing...not necessarily healthy. I ended up eating just the potato salad and cole slaw...mac n' cheese and mashed potatoes untouched. Oh, and the two cheese biscuits which also accompanied the meal. I decide to get a to-go-box because that's a lot of food to waste. We start to leave, and I realize, the box weighs like 2 pounds. After I'd eaten half the food. This is why America is obese. Vegetable plates aren't even good for you. I figure it's okay though because we'd walked to the restaurant and I had to heft the box all the way home....like a really large and awkward wrist weight. Laters :)

How to Irritate Me

1. Release a series of DVDs in matching boxes. Then at Season 6, release a box of DVDs that won't even stand up, let alone match the other boxes. Require me to send away for a replacement box that matches the rest of the seasons. I think I would be less annoyed by this if you hadn't anticipated my feelings. But you knew. There was an insert in the box that said something along the lines of "Does this box irritate you? We knew it would. Send us a check for $2.95 and we'll send you a less irritating version. Also, you're anal retentive." Did I need that? No. No I did not.

2. Send me worthless DVDs. I like to rent movies, but I don't like to return them. Thus I am an outlaw at all the local video rental establishments and have been forced to join Netflix. Fine and dandy. I signed up to get 3 at a time, they have a lot of titles I can't find at our crappy rental places anyway, it's all good. That is until I get a good movie, am halfway through it, and it starts skipping like mad. I take it out to see if it needs cleaning. It looks like it's been in a fight with cactus. And it lost. Whatever....one scratched DVD...I'm okay. Then I am waiting to receive a movie that one of my friends recommended. It arrives late, but finally arrives. Pop it in, "no disc." Um....yes there is. I just put it in. Pull it out to see if it needs cleaning. It is cracked. In half. AND GLUED BACK TOGETHER. WTF Netflix?!??

3. Don't carry the books I want. Jefferson County Library System...what is up? Tom Robbins is a very popular author. He has many best-selling books. Why do you have only 2 of his books? And why are neither of the two the one I want? Hmm?? I went to two different libraries today to no avail. You leave me no choice. Barnes & Noble it is.

4. Complain about my spending-habits, even though you don't give me any money. My mother is always hounding me about buying books..."Why don't you just go to the library? That's a waste of money!" To this I say:

Dear Mom,
The libraries here suck. They don't have the book I want. Also, when I called you this morning you were in a drive-through spending $4 on a coffee-drink.
Love,
Samantha

Employed

So the job search is finally over. Beginning February 13th, I will be a full-time employee. Woo! All at once this is the most awesome and terrifying thing ever. Awesome because it's a job that I think I'll enjoy, it's something that I'll be good at, it comes with health insurance, and it will stop my parents from calling everyday asking "Did you find a job yet? Did you find a job yet? Did you find a job yet?" FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES I DID LEAVE ME ALONE.

On the other hand, I broke into a cold sweat reading the new job description. You see, in my current position, my patients are already dead. Makes it pretty hard to screw up. In the new position, not so much. My mistakes suddenly have ramifications. Ramifications that keep people on dialysis. Ramifications that keep people in the hospital. Ramifications that kill people. I am afraid. Very very afraid. Granted, I'm heavily supervised for the first year (thank God) but still. I don't want to touch anything.

I'm sure it will turn out okay...I've been working with the same people for 4 years...they're not going to let me mess up too badly. But just in case, keep your fingers crossed...and try not to sustain any massive head injuries. Laters!

Texas: Honky Tonkin' Edition

Thursday night. What can I say about Thursday night? Or a more valid question, what can I remember about Thursday night? And the answer is, not a whole lot. But thanks to C and my phone-a-friend I've managed to piece it together. Feel free to add or correct guys.

Thursday night C and I went to the world's largest honky tonk. Country music, line dancing, the works. I went with the full intention of getting druuuunk. All I can say is, mission accomplished. We arrived at Billy's (I think that's the name of the place) pretty early...after meandering through the Fort Worth Stockyards. (Do you guys know what calf fries are?!? Who eats those?) We had to pay $1 to get into the honky tonk, which was awesome. You walk in and this place has everything. Pool tables, dance floor, mechanical bull, and a bull ring where they have REAL BULLS YOU CAN RIDE (people are so crazy), plus liquor and bathrooms. What more could you want?

We arrived early mainly to take advantage of the line-dancing lessons being offered at 7 o'clock. We get on the dance floor and are easily 40 years younger than anyone else there. We were dancing with grannies (really, look in the background.) Specifically at least one granny named Carlene. Who was not a fan of my beer-in-hand dance style. Regardless, C and I became line-dancing superstars (yeah right) and had a great time. Over time more and more young people started to arrive. C and I went back to the bar...one of many trips that night (particularly for me because poor C had to drive and keep me from poor decision-making.)

I don't remember much of the rest of the night, but I can tell you that C was hit on by a guy named "Little Bitch", at one point I got freaked out because I thought I didn't have a reflection (turns out there was just no mirror over the bar), I sang a very spirited rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama" while dragging C across the dancefloor and yelling "Roll Tide Roll!", I flirted with a cowboy while insulting him to my friend on the phone (obviously I didn't mind him THAT much...of course, neither did C), and I gave C's guano-covered car a massage.

OH! And then, when we got back to C's place, I decided that it would be a greeeeaattt idea to wrestle with the 90-pound Rottweiler. Who thought it would be a greeeaatt idea to step on my face. So, we both carried out our plans and when it was over I had a 3 inch scratch across the face. GENIUS. C comes in dumbstruck. My face is bleeding and I'm lying on the floor with the dog. This is why she cannot leave me alone when I've been drinking. Poor decisions. That's my thing.

So, that's it for the Texas posts (God knows it took me long enough)...AWESOME trip....highly recommend :) Now back to your regularly scheduled posting. laters!

Texas: PIG...SUEY! edition

So we spent most of our time in Texas shopping, since we went the Monday before Christmas and I had zero Christmas shopping done. There are many many many places to shop in Texas. The place is a giant strip mall. 'Nuff said.

Wednesday night, we decided to go to a comedy club Open Mic night. We got to the comedy club insanely early, so we decided to go ahead and start drinking. We get to the door and there are a lot of people. A lot. Especially considering the show didn't start for another hour. And it was an Open Mic night. And they were all wearing red. We walk in the door and there are red balloons all over the place and EVERYONE is wearing red. And there are many old men with beer guts. But there are also attractive young men without beer guts. The problem was that they were wearing clothes so similar to their aged counterparts that it was far too easy to imagine them in the future. With beer guts.

Turns out we'd walked into a University of Arkansas alumni party. Complete with signs. And recruiting materials. Materials that stated "...diverse cultural and recreational activities in the Fayetteville area enhance the college experience." Yeah. I bet. I didn't see one African-American, Asian-American, or Latino in a red sweatshirt. But whatever. There were signs, there was band music (as in the music that the band plays in the bleachers at the football game) blasting through the house speakers, there were goofy looking people, and for the love of God there were cheers. Really. A 40-year-old man (if not older) walked onto the stage, up to the mic, and (I kid you not) yelled "PIG!" What was frightening is that immediately after, everyone else in the room starting lifting their arms and once they reached the top of their trajectory yelled "SUEY!" (I have no idea how to spell the type of suey to which pigs respond.)

Of course, C and I had chosen a table riiiiight in front of the microphone. Making it impossible, if not dangerous, not to cheer. So, we decided to try to blend with the natives. We let out a weak "suey" and applied some camouflage. Luckily we made it out alive. And without marrying a cousin. ;)

Texas: King of the Road Edition

Okay, as promised, Texas post(s). It all started in Alabama.

We left Birmingham at about 8 AM....C, Athena, and myself. Athena, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure, is a giant dog. A 90-pound-Rottweiler to be exact. She is C's dog...which is great. Because C could use this dog as a mode of transportation. Very pretty dog, but very giant dog. So, Athena's splayed out on the backseat and C and I are up front.


To save you some trouble, I will give you directions to get to C's house in (basically) Dallas from Birmingham, Alabama. Get on I-20 West about 2 blocks from my apartment. Drive for 3 days. Turn right. You're there. Okay, perhaps that's a little exaggerated, but it's not a complicated drive. You literally are on I-20 for about 10 hours. Which is a long time. When you have allergies and a dog in the back seat. Really, the dog didn't kick in til we got to Texas and even then C had Claritin which became my new best friend during the trip (more on that later.) So, the part of the trip that I most dreaded...10 hours in the car with the dog....was not bad at all. We were off to a great start.

Of course, we hit Mississippi first. I have never been to Mississippi, and let me tell you...I'm not missing anything. There's nothing there. Alabamians are always very quick to use Mississippi as our excuse. "Sure, we have the chunkiest people in the country, but Mississippi sucks!" Haha, speaking of Chunky, people live there...(see below.) Also, our education system sucks, but that's okay because Mississippi's is worse. Which is pretty obvious from this sign found on a Mississippi gas pump (again below.) Another odd Mississippi tidbit, there are airplanes painted on the fast lanes of their highways. Apparently they double as runways? Alabama's bad, but we do differentiate highways from landing strips.



















Next on the hit parade, Louisiana. There wasn't much going on in Louisiana...we didn't go through New Orleans or anything, but it did indirectly affect our trip. Because we're assuming that they're the ones that needed all the trailers. And I mean ALLLLL the trailers. Through Mississippi and maybe at the beginning of Louisiana before the interstate forked we were surrounded by these giant trailers. And we have a lot of trailers in Alabama...see them all the time. But I've never seen them driven like this. ALL over the road. It was really scary. You couldn't get around them because they'd just swerve through all the lanes, randomly. So for a while, this is what we saw (except this is a picture of one of the smaller trailers that wasn't half as scary. I was too busy paying rapt attention to the crazy people trying to pass the giant trailers to take a picture of them.) :

But, we got past them and made it to Texas. WOO! The first thing I notice when we get to Texas is a speed limit sign (You can't make it out very well in the picture, and I suppose I should have edited it, but I'm lazy and you get the gist.). I've driven through many states. We drive from Birmingham to Chicago all the time. And never have I ever seen separate speed limits for day and night. I thought that's why we had headlights. So that we could drive at night. I'm guessing that maybe all the large Texas animals play a role in bringing down the speed limit. Who knows. I think it's hilarious. I just picture a burly dude in a cowboy hat driving a giant truck slowing down as dusk approaches, maybe shuddering in fear. "They mostly come out at night....mostly." (hahaha....kudos to anyone who gets the movie reference.)

The other thing that pops out at you as you're driving through Texas is the Battlefield Inn. And it's aaaaamazing. (According to the billboards.) There are probably 10 billboards for this place. Including: "This motel's for the birds! 4 talking parrots", "Free Evening Cocktails", and perhaps the best argument to stay there "The Owner recommends it." HHHHHHAHahahaha. Oh, and just to make sure that you don't miss them they have the enthusiastic "Hooray you found us!" sign. I completely heart the Battlefield Inn and would love to stay there. I'm sold people. I'm sold.

Okay...next up, I'm not really sure. But rest assured, more to come! :)

O Tannenbaum

So this is the only non-blurry picture of our Christmas tree. Which is sad, because the thing's not even decorated. Of course, this is also pre-wilting. Because our tree became (presumably) clogged with sap and started to wilt a couple days after its decoration. But as you can see, its size clearly dictates that we would not be moving it, drilling on it, or breathing in its general vicinity for fear of it falling on someone and killing them. The tree was ginormous. For scale, that's my youngest sister Jo in the foreground. She's probably, I dunno, 5' tall? Maybe 4'8 or something. And that ladder is a full-size ladder. Which is extended about 2-3 rungs in order to reach the beam on the ceiling/top of the tree. Point of the story, monster tree.

It's 2006. WOO!!

So here are two things I heard today:

13-year-old sister: The mail's not here yet.
10-year-old sister: The mail's not coming today. It's a holiday.
13-year-old sister: Are you sure it's a holiday? The hospital's open.
10-year-old sister: The hospital's always open you moron.
13-year-old sister: Oh.
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Me: ... so I feel really bad for my sisters' boyfriends.
C: Yeah, maybe the way you guys treat boys is genetic.
Me: Do I treat boys like that?!? I try not to!
C: Oh, you're definitely the most benevolent of the despots, but still.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! Hopefully everyone had a great time and will post many great stories in the near future. I promise to post about Texas as soon as I procure the necessary visual aids ;) laters!