Why Everyone Needs a Blog

Coworker: "Speaking of food, we have to take a break from Rojo. Remember how we got lunch from there on Wednesday? I think I had a bad batch of chicken burrito. After you left the office, I got deathly ill. I felt *horrible* but I was on second call, so I couldn't leave. I sat in my office hunched over a trash can the rest of the day. I finally gave in at about 4:30. I went into the command center, told them I had to go home, and I left. Well, about halfway home, I realize I have to go to the bathroom. I mean *go* to the bathroom. But I think I can make it to the apartment. So, I am swiping my card at the gate, and I lose it. Needless to say, I didn't make it to the bathroom. And that's just the beginning. I get out of the car, completely covered in crap. It's all over my pants, my shoes, everything. Luckily, I'm in scrubs. I get into the apartment, get cleaned up and just decide to throw everything away. I'm too lazy to deal with it, plus it's disgusting. So, I throw my clothes, shoes, everything in a garbage bag, walk out to the dumpster, and throw it out. I get back to the apartment, lay down...and immediately realize that my wallet was in my pants pocket. And that my pants pocket is in the giant apartment complex dumpster. I am angry and sick and now I have to go dumpster diving. So, I walk out of the apartment and head toward the dumpster, and who stops me but that guy who's always outside working on his car. I see that guy all the time, never talks to me. Of course the day that I shit myself and throw my wallet in the dumpster, he wants to share his life story. Sam, I'm serious, he talked to me for 30 minutes. I know everything about him. I finally tell him that I have to go dumpster diving, and HE WANTS TO HELP ME. I didn't really feel like sharing my saga with a total stranger, so I just told him I accidentally threw away my wallet. But I'm having to convince him not to hop in the dumpster with me because I would be totally mortified if this guy climbs in and sees what I'm looking for. I finally talked him out of it."
Me: "Did you actually jump into our dumpster? It's like a 5 foot drop from the platform onto God knows what."
Coworker: "Well, I figured the worst thing I could land on would be a bag of human excrement, and since that's what I was looking for anyway, it would be fine. I found it pretty quickly. Then I had to jump up, grab the rim of the dumpster and claw my way out of there. It was pretty much the worst day of my life."
Me: "You really need a blog."

Experts Realize They Have Too Much Time on their Hands

Experts Diagnose Harry Potter With 'Probable Migraine'

Highlights include:
...Sheftell's team scrutinized all of J.K. Rowling's published Harry Potter books, looking for references to Potter's headaches. (Really? We needed a team for this?)
...After considering several headache diagnoses, Sheftell's team settled on the diagnosis of "probable migraine." (Because you wouldn't want to commit to an incorrect diagnosis of a literary character.)
...Is their diagnosis correct? The researchers note that migraines may be passed down genetically, but little is known about Potter's birth parents. (Sweet baby Jesus the kid talks to snakes and flies around on a broomstick. Also, he's not real. Augh.)

Listen, I'm as excited about the last Harry Potter book as the next fanatic, but get a grip people.

This Little Piggie

Ate a busload of kids?

Seriously. Apparently this thing was running around in the woods in Alabama. My parents' house is surrounded by woods. I went hunting with my father once and he told me that we had to watch for wild boars. I had NO idea that this is what he was talking about.

Because I would never have set foot outside the house again.

Stop. Hammertime.

From the Decatur Daily News:

"Armed with pepper spray and a hammer, a man allegedly sprayed a female employee Thursday afternoon during the robbery of a local pawn shop.

The investigator said the man entered A-1 Title Pawn on U.S. 72 at 3:38 p.m.

"He sprayed the employee and demanded money. She screamed and ran next door."
The investigator said the man then allegedly grabbed an undisclosed amount of money and "took off running." The employee received medical treatment at the scene.
Witnesses gave police a description of the man, which helped patrol officers locate him within 15 minutes.

Police transferred the man to the Limestone County Jail on $35,000 bond. He is charged with first-degree robbery. "

And later the local CBS affiliate shared with us his further exploits:

"Athens police have arrested a 25-year old Huntsville man who is accused of bribing the woman he robbed and pepper sprayed in June.
Investigators say the man telephoned his victim and offered to put money in her bank account if she would not prosecute.
The man tells a different story, saying he wanted to give her the money for a security system at her business.
He is charged with bribery."

I guess he wanted to buy her a security system so that he wouldn't be tempted to rob her at hammer-point again?

It's stuff like this that makes me really glad I broke up with him.

I've Got People Skills!!

So I don't really have anything to blog about...but I don't want my blog to circle into oblivion like so many dead goldfish. So, here's the insignificant stuff that's going on :)

• I get to attend "People Skills Training" next month! Woo! Rumor has it that this is in direct response to one of our coordinators going bat-shit crazy at an emergency room when his ex-girlfriend had her CAT scan read by a veterinarian rather than a physician. First of all, don't get your knickers in a twist. Maybe they thought they'd actually scanned a cat. Or maybe this vet was an MD as well. No matter what, I would assume the hospital contracts this service with him because he knows what he's doing. I do not believe this to be a valid excuse for throwing chairs in the waiting room or pinning an ER physician to a wall. Also, I don't understand why the rest of us have to be punished with a four-hour training session on professionalism. Especially since he wasn't even at work when it happened. The official stance was that we are in a job where we represent our organization 24-7, whether we're working or not, no matter where we are. Which is ridiculous, but whatever. I just hope no one finds the publicly posted picture of my co-worker and I dancing drunk on top of a bar. I'm pretty sure that kind of thing isn't included in the mission statement. :-p
• My laptop caught a virus. I had our IT guy at work fix it. Of course, my definition of "fix it" is to remove the virus. His version is to remove everything, reinstall only things work-related, and then refuse to reinstall anything I might need to have fun on this laptop. No Flash...I can't even see the little clock in my blog's sidebar. No YouTube videos. I might crumple up and die soon.
• S and I went to C's house last night and watched "Happy Feet." If you haven't seen it, you should. It's adorable. And it has a nice environmental message too. Of course, it'll make you want to shoot yourself for having ever eaten a fish and stolen from the mouths of penguins. But then you think about sushi and glory in the fact thatyou're higher up in the food chain. Because sushi is the best.
• While at C's house last night, we made a DiGiorno Four-Cheese pizza. Pulled it out of the oven, and we can't find her pizza cutter. No problem, just give me a knife and a cutting board. She hands me a serrated steak knife and points to the rack the pizza's sitting on. "I can't cut it with this, on that!" "Ugh. I don't want to pull out a cutting board. Can't we just use scissors?" "Huh?" "I think it'll work." C cut the pizza into slices with a pair of scissors. It totally worked. Apparently laziness is the mother of invention.

Today I have to clean my apartment. We'll see if that happens. :-p

Me in a box...it was funnier with Justin Timberlake

"So you're really planning on moving?"
"Yup. In June."
"Well, I have to say, I think you're making a mistake. I expected more from you."
"Like what?"
"What about joining the Air Force?"
"Huh?"
"I always thought you'd join the military. I think you have a lot to offer the service."
"I'm sure I do, but there's no way I'd join the military right now. I'm not going to Iraq."
"Maybe you wouldn't get sent over there."
"Yes I would. I have a public health degree. My friend with an MPH was sent over there for a year to set up public health infrastructure."
"You like infrastructure!"
"Yes...but the first thing they teach you in public health is evaluation. My evaluation of the situation is that handwashing isn't going to keep anyone's ass from getting mortared. Including mine."
"The military's done a lot for you and you owe it to your country to defend it. And I say this knowing full well they might send you back to me in a box. But we have to make sacrifices and I'm a patriot."
"...."
"Now I see why you want to move up there...you're a damn liberal."
"Uh huh."
"I just think you'd want to get out in the world and do something. Make a difference."
"What do you think I do now? You think my job is some kind of game?"
"Well no...but right now you just save a few lives. In the military you'd get to touch a ton of lives."
"Yeah, no thanks."
"Well, if you want to be selfish and just make yourself happy, that's fine. I just thought you'd want to make your mark on the world."
"Nope. Just want to make myself happy."
"Well, at least think about the military."
"Okay. I'll get right on it."

Apparently I'm supposed to be sitting around sticking nails through my eyes all the time. Because I should not be happy under any circumstances. However, getting myself killed would touch lives in a really meaningful way. Cause getting new organs doesn't really do much for anyone.

Today was a bad day.

Love Down Under

"Did your husband have any transmissible diseases?"
"Yes, he had koala chlamydia. But we were both treated for it."
"Excuse me?"
"Chlamydia."
"Right, but what kind?"
"Koala."
"Is that a specific strain?"
"Yes. It's the strain transmitted by koalas."
"What was your husband doing with the koalas?"
"He worked in a zoo and caught it from a koala."
"Um, okay."

Three possibilities:
1. Koalas can give you chlamydia by touching you.
2. This woman is totally gullible and her husband used it to hilarious advantage.
3. This man did something oh-so-wrong with and/or to a koala bear.

I guess it was true. Although I still think it's fishy.