Quote

We're all leaving Innisfree after trivia.

C: "My car is far....That is rhymes."
C's roommate: "Um...do you need a ride home?"

Fond Memories

Tonight was my downstairs neighbor/coworker/friend's birthday. So, C and he and I went out for dinner and drinks.

Scene: Sitting on the restaurant patio. A man walks out onto the patio and sits at a table behind me, but still in plain view of C and S.
C: "That's him! That's the lawyer who I had a big crush on and sent you a link to his picture and you said he was ugly!"
Me: "Oooh. Yeah, that dude is hideous."
S: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "C has a crush on that big ugly dude over there."
C: "His wife used to work with you guys."
Me: "Really? Who?"
C: "You're the one that told me she worked there!!"
Me: "I have no idea who you're talking about."
S: "What's her last name?"
C: "B******"
S: "Oooh, yeah, I remember Jen B****. She was the one in the lesbian tryst!"
C: "HUH??! Samantha why didn't you tell me about this?!?"
Me: "I didn't tell you about that? Wow. Yeah, that's a good story."
S: "So, Jen was married, but she also thought she might be a lesbian. And we had this other chick in the office, K, who definitely was a lesbian. So, she and Jen had a little one night stand, but then Jen decided she didn't want to do that anymore so she kind of broke up with K the next day at work."
C: "I can't believe you didn't tell me this."
Me: "I forgot. Sorry."
S: "K was crazy, and did not take it well. In fact, she reached out and started choking Jen. Jen starts waving her arms trying to get anyone to help her. She finally breaks free of K and starts running toward [our boss's] office. But, K tackles her and hangs on to her legs. At this point, Jen is screaming our boss's name, dragging K along the floor going to the boss's office."
C: "Why aren't you guys helping her?!?"
S: "Are you kidding? By this point we were all sitting around eating popcorn! Who's gonna break up something *this* good? So, the boss finally comes out of his office and when he does, K runs back to her office, locks the door, and takes a massive dose of painkillers. We had to get the fire department and ambulance to come get her and take her to the hospital. She was fine, but we also had to hire a bodyguard for Jen for about a month because K had sent her threatening letters."
C: "Nice."
S: "The weird thing is, I thought Jen's husband was a nurse."
C: "No, he's a lawyer, but they're divorced."
S: "No, Jen's still married. We must not be talking about the same person. Are you sure about the last name?"
C: "No, but Samantha said she worked with you guys. Remember Samantha? You said she sucked at her job and everybody hated her?"
Me: "Oh! You mean Stephanie P****!"
C: "Yes! That's her name!"
S: "Oh. That's not a good story. She was just ugly."

Where Do Babies Come From?

It's something in the water...yet another coworker is pregnant. This girl is married to a minister, and already has a little four-year-old son. Apparently they've been hoping to make an addition to their family for quite some time, so I'm really happy for them. Their son, on the other hand, isn't quite sure what to think. My coworker was telling us that about six months ago, he was pretty gung-ho about the idea of a little brother.

"Mom, I want a baby brother."
"Well, we have to pray to God for you to have a little brother."
"Oh...wanders off...comes back...I know! I'll ask Santa Claus to bring me one!"
"Well, no honey. That's not quite how it works. You have to ask God to bring us one."

So, he wanders off again. She finds him later sitting at his little table writing a letter.

"What are you doing honey?"
"Writing a letter to get a little brother."
"Who are you writing to?"
"The Justice League."

Now that he knows about the newbie, they've spent the past few nights convincing him that the Justice League will not be dropping off a baby. They tried to tell him exactly what happens (to a four-year-old level) and they've decided to go with what they've got. That at Christmas-time his parents will be buying a baby from the hospital.

Apparently his Mother and Batman don't have that kind of relationship.

Email

Remember how I professed my love for Burt's Beeswax chapstick in the last post? When I realized how great it was, I convinced one of my friends to purchase some for herself. A couple of days later we had this discussion via email.

Her: "ok....um.....yea.......Burts Beeswax.....not so much. I saw that you have blogged about this wonderful new product and I myself am slathering it on my unchapped lips the past few days but today I noticed something very disturbing on the tube. In addition to wonderful and wholesome things like cococunt oil, sunflower oil, vitamin e, peppermint, rosemary etc. it is 50% PLASTIC. Yes, post-industrial, recycled plastic. How should I feel about that? Please inform me of my opinion. Thank you dear wise friend."

Me: "I'm pretty sure that the 50% post consumer plastic is the *tube* that the chapstick comes in. Also, i'm pretty sure you're a moron. :-p (j/k) Don't doubt the greatness of the Burt's.

Her: "Omg, I am a moron. Please dont tell anyone about this although I am pretty sure you will."

Me: "um...yeah. i'm going to blog about it."

Her: "yay!! finally i am featured on a blog after six long years of trying friendship :-) ok so i have been trying to think of something really dumb you said....remember: "*This quote removed by blog editor*"? Yea--Bitchslap....you deserve it."

Congrats, you made it to the blog. Unfortunately the evidence of my stupidity did not. Sucka ;)

Me in a box...it was funnier with Justin Timberlake

"So you're really planning on moving?"
"Yup. In June."
"Well, I have to say, I think you're making a mistake. I expected more from you."
"Like what?"
"What about joining the Air Force?"
"Huh?"
"I always thought you'd join the military. I think you have a lot to offer the service."
"I'm sure I do, but there's no way I'd join the military right now. I'm not going to Iraq."
"Maybe you wouldn't get sent over there."
"Yes I would. I have a public health degree. My friend with an MPH was sent over there for a year to set up public health infrastructure."
"You like infrastructure!"
"Yes...but the first thing they teach you in public health is evaluation. My evaluation of the situation is that handwashing isn't going to keep anyone's ass from getting mortared. Including mine."
"The military's done a lot for you and you owe it to your country to defend it. And I say this knowing full well they might send you back to me in a box. But we have to make sacrifices and I'm a patriot."
"...."
"Now I see why you want to move up there...you're a damn liberal."
"Uh huh."
"I just think you'd want to get out in the world and do something. Make a difference."
"What do you think I do now? You think my job is some kind of game?"
"Well no...but right now you just save a few lives. In the military you'd get to touch a ton of lives."
"Yeah, no thanks."
"Well, if you want to be selfish and just make yourself happy, that's fine. I just thought you'd want to make your mark on the world."
"Nope. Just want to make myself happy."
"Well, at least think about the military."
"Okay. I'll get right on it."

Apparently I'm supposed to be sitting around sticking nails through my eyes all the time. Because I should not be happy under any circumstances. However, getting myself killed would touch lives in a really meaningful way. Cause getting new organs doesn't really do much for anyone.

Today was a bad day.