I Heart Whole Foods

As everyone knows, I live in the giant cow pasture that is Alabama. And as many of you know, I am a vegetarian. It's not a whole lot of fun being a vegetarian in Alabama. Of course, you can always eat vegetables. And the Boca stuff out of the freezer section (which is pretty much 90% of my diet.) But if you want to cook something fancypants and vegetarian, you're kind of out of luck. For instance, once I tried to make a dish from a cookbook my friend gave me...I went to three stores looking for uncooked green lentils. No luck. I substituted cooked lentils, which was unsurprisingly a mistake (I'm notorious for really poor decisions regarding recipe substitutions.) Today, I was given new hope for my culinary abilities. Well, not abilities, but my endeavor to gain these abilities. You see, today, Alabama got its first Whole Foods.

I've always heard good things about Whole Foods. Today I found out they were completely warranted. C, P, and I arrived at the grand opening of Whole Foods at about 7:45 AM. Primarily because we got an email that said the first 100 customers would be leaving with a special surprise. So, we came early, ate free breakfast, and then watched the stupid bread-breaking. Finally we made it in the door. The store's really pretty, and they have more fruits than I have ever seen in my life. But, I wasn't sold. I don't eat very much fruit. I usually buy it and watch it rot in my kitchen. So, lots of expensive fruit wasn't doing it for me. Also, their seafood section has a seafood bar with seafood chowders and salads kind of open to the air. And it smells like DEATH. Seriously, I never want to walk by that part of the store ever again. So nauseating. There were tons of people, nothing had struck my fancy, and worst of all the stupid people wouldn't give me a free totebag cause I wasn't one of the first 100 to check-out (which completely negated the benefit of getting their early and watching the stupid bread-breaking.) Plus the guy totally gave one to C and pretty much everyone else I saw walking around. Jackass guy. I was getting discouraged. I hate crowded places, and was beginning to hate Whole Foods.

But then, I got to the ethnic food aisle. And they had a bunch of different curries. And Polish food. And Thai food. The next aisle had a variety of vegetarian boxed mix thingies. Stuff to make sloppy joe's, falafel, hummus, and veggie burgers among others. By the time I got to the side of the store with a sushi bar, delicious cheeses, eco-friendly wines, and ready-made soups....I was sold. I'm fairly certain that if it hadn't been so crowded, I would have spent a gajillion dollars. As it was, I was fairly restrained. I ended up leaving with:

• Some sag paneer curry mix...just add tofu and serve over rice!
• Soymilk...cause I was fresh out and am dying to eat my Raisin Bran Crunch.
• Organic butter...cause I needed butter and why not buy it from some tiny little independent dairy?
• Irish cheese...cause they had samples and holy crap I just wanted to stand there all day eating cheese. Sooo sharp and delicious.
• Vegetable samosas...man I love samosas. Just toss them in the oven for a few minutes and you have fried vegetable goodness.
• Vegetable pot pie. Before I became a vegetarian, I ate turkey pot pies like they were going out of style. I loooove pot pies. I haven't had one in about 3 years. When I found the vegetable pot pie, I almost cried.
• Hummus mix...I've tried hummus mix before and it was a pretty negative experience. But today in the interest of trying new things, I decided to give it another shot.
• Chapstick...I've always heard the Burt's Bees stuff is amazing. I've always thought it's better to get 3 tubes of ChapStick brand for the price of one Burt's Bees. But my lips were chapped at the checkout, so I grabbed what they had. Holy crap it's totally worth it. It's like slathering your lips with a menthol massage. Awesome. Consider me a convert.

So, I'm going to start cooking more. Don't worry, I've got the fire department on speed dial.

Me in a box...it was funnier with Justin Timberlake

"So you're really planning on moving?"
"Yup. In June."
"Well, I have to say, I think you're making a mistake. I expected more from you."
"Like what?"
"What about joining the Air Force?"
"Huh?"
"I always thought you'd join the military. I think you have a lot to offer the service."
"I'm sure I do, but there's no way I'd join the military right now. I'm not going to Iraq."
"Maybe you wouldn't get sent over there."
"Yes I would. I have a public health degree. My friend with an MPH was sent over there for a year to set up public health infrastructure."
"You like infrastructure!"
"Yes...but the first thing they teach you in public health is evaluation. My evaluation of the situation is that handwashing isn't going to keep anyone's ass from getting mortared. Including mine."
"The military's done a lot for you and you owe it to your country to defend it. And I say this knowing full well they might send you back to me in a box. But we have to make sacrifices and I'm a patriot."
"...."
"Now I see why you want to move up there...you're a damn liberal."
"Uh huh."
"I just think you'd want to get out in the world and do something. Make a difference."
"What do you think I do now? You think my job is some kind of game?"
"Well no...but right now you just save a few lives. In the military you'd get to touch a ton of lives."
"Yeah, no thanks."
"Well, if you want to be selfish and just make yourself happy, that's fine. I just thought you'd want to make your mark on the world."
"Nope. Just want to make myself happy."
"Well, at least think about the military."
"Okay. I'll get right on it."

Apparently I'm supposed to be sitting around sticking nails through my eyes all the time. Because I should not be happy under any circumstances. However, getting myself killed would touch lives in a really meaningful way. Cause getting new organs doesn't really do much for anyone.

Today was a bad day.

Love Down Under

"Did your husband have any transmissible diseases?"
"Yes, he had koala chlamydia. But we were both treated for it."
"Excuse me?"
"Chlamydia."
"Right, but what kind?"
"Koala."
"Is that a specific strain?"
"Yes. It's the strain transmitted by koalas."
"What was your husband doing with the koalas?"
"He worked in a zoo and caught it from a koala."
"Um, okay."

Three possibilities:
1. Koalas can give you chlamydia by touching you.
2. This woman is totally gullible and her husband used it to hilarious advantage.
3. This man did something oh-so-wrong with and/or to a koala bear.

I guess it was true. Although I still think it's fishy.